You got to cry without weeping
Talk without speaking
Scream without raising your voice
...and those were some of my favorite lyrics from the song.
Sometimes I want to scream, but I don't because I don't want to disturb the peace... do something illegal? Cause civil disruption? Is that part of the social construction of my identity as middle class? a citizen? a woman?
The title, Running to Stand Still, describes how I feel these days. The beginning of the semester eases into midterms and I'm on the hamster wheel again. It hasn't been as crazy as last year, when I got married and when my stepson, age 6, moved in. We did move this September, but I've finally taken the plunge, trusted, and we're homeschooling, and I'm happier.
But I have no time.
(Can I use but like that? Or do I have to say something like however? Are there any English majors out there?)
I have no time, and today I got cranky, because I had a paper due and I hadn't finished the rough draft. I was also late reporting for the distributed learning school. Being late is my Achilles heel.
I got mad at Stepson when he wouldn't, or couldn't focus on our "Observation for Learning (O4L)." We do this every week, and I always ask him to talk about the last week and I help him by prompting and reminding him, but today he couldn't come up with anything to say, and I was just putting words in his mouth. So I raised my voice and told him we had a two week trial period and failure meant public school. Did I mean that? I don't know...
Regardless, I'll have to apologise for yelling, and I guess we'll try discussing what's working and what's not working about homeschooling. Then what? Can you talk with almost 8 year olds about wants and needs in relationships? Maybe son will get it, but it's over stepson's head.
Son is verbal, Stepson, not so much. Rather he's full on kinetic; half the time you've got to hold both his hands and bend down to his eye level to be sure he's processing what you're saying. Son can be quite protective and supportive of his stepbrother, and this is often a help, but neither remember routine tasks well. What can I say, they're still 7. As well, I have noticed an improvement in their listening over the past few weeks, however, their improved behaviour doesn't coincide with my poor behaviour, of course :S
To conclude, I've had the Grateful Dead's Box of Rain stuck in my head for two weeks, now.
Look out of any window any morning, any evening, any day Maybe the sun is shining birds are winging or rain is falling from a heavy sky - What do you want me to do, to do for you to see you through? this is all a dream we dreamed one afternoon long ago Walk out of any doorway feel your way, feel your way like the day before Maybe you'll find direction around some corner where it's been waiting to meet you - What do you want me to do, to watch for you while you're sleeping? Well please don't be surprised when you find me dreaming too Look into any eyes you find by you, you can see clear through to another day I know it's been seen before through other eyes on other days while going home -- What do you want me to do, to do for you to see you through? It's all a dream we dreamed one afternoon long ago Walk into splintered sunlight Inch your way through dead dreams to another land Maybe you're tired and broken Your tongue is twisted with words half spoken and thoughts unclear What do you want me to do to do for you to see you through A box of rain will ease the pain and love will see you through Just a box of rain - wind and water - Believe it if you need it, if you don't just pass it on Sun and shower - Wind and rain - in and out the window like a moth before a flame It's just a box of rain I don't know who put it there Believe it if you need it or leave it if you dare But it's just a box of rain or a ribbon for your hair Such a long long time to be gone and a short time to be there
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