crisis line

wow...
I just got home from my first volunteer shift since July at my local crisis line. I am feeling emotionally drained. I think I'd forgotten how overwhelming other people's emotions can be at times. I took 5 calls in total. The first two and the last one were from callers contemplating suicide. The first two were from the same man, he is a regular caller, and is not seem as being high risk. The other caller was a new caller, and, beyond the suicide and the crisis that preceded her feelings, also had a lot going on in her life, in her past.

Sometimes I feel like I do as much as I can for these people, offering to listen and to be empathetic, but sometimes it just doesn't feel like enough. My task is to help them restore their own ability to cope, in the moment, and to offer referrals to community resources as appropriate. Sometimes, though, I want to be able to do more. I guess that's why I'm studying social work - so that I'll be qualified to help people over the long term, to offer interventions that, over time, actually make a difference, and maybe improve the quality of life the client is experiencing.

However, it is important to recognise that there is only so much I can do, and that what I am doing DOES make a difference, even if only slightly. I felt like I was able to help the last caller, even just by giving her a phone number to help her find a GP. However, I don't feel like I helped the first fellow. He just wanted to know how to die and said that no one would tell him how. He's depressed, it's not like Sue Rodriguez or anything, where he's fighting for the right to die with dignity. He just feels like a burden to his family. We talked about how to get through a given period of time, but he didn't seem to want to try anything, other than lying on his bed and crying. That kind of hopelessness/helplessness is so hard for me to be with, to empathize with in a meaningful way, without wanting to make some glib comment, like pull yourself together for your family. (Not helpful!)

So, despite feeling unsettled, unfocused and out of sorts, I am choosing to congratulate myself for being there as much as I can for these callers, and I am going to breathe, and do the dishes. Maybe then I will be able to focus on writing my research papers. (Next week is my last week of classes for the semesterand  I have 3 papers due!)