The American president recently gave this address, which I channel-surfed past several times. However, I like the idea of the title... so, what is the state of MY union? To me, union does not represent my country - I am Canadian, and white, from a mostly Anglo ethnic background (how weird is it to consider Anglo or white an ethnicity!). Our country was a colony, then a Dominion, then finally a country. We are not the United states. To me, union is my relationship, my marriage, and, by extension, our kids.
I've only been married a short time - 4 months. However, I constantly notice shifts in myself, in my thinking and in the way I now view the world with a permanent partner. I am learning every day about letting go, about letting him lead. It is hard, I was a single parent from the moment I found out I was pregnant with my now 7 year old son. My husband and I have only been together for 2 years, and his son has only lived with us for 5 months. I am used to being the only person I have to be accountable to. Now I find myself getting annoyed when I have to explain what I'm up to, or decisions I've made. Behind my annoyance is frustration at a perceived loss of control.
I notice myself from time to time looking at my husband and marveling at the commitment we have made. I am somewhat surprised that I have committed to never be sexually with another man. I'm not frustrated by this, nor do I find myself longing for other men, or tempted to be with another man, I'm just a little suprised by the experience as the commitment settles into my being.
I am finding myself feeling more and more affectionate towards my stepson, although I am still often frustrated and annoyed at his unfamiliar and sometimes unfathomable ways of being. I am learning to understand him better, and thus I can anticipate his likes and dislikes better. Things are becoming more harmonious.
However, I am still nowhere near a place to parent him in the radical unschooling way. I'm still not ready to give of myself so unconditionally, and this is partly because his living with us was thrust upon me, and I felt I had no personal choice in the matter. I did what was best for him, I did what my husband wanted. It was a huge financial burden because his mother and stepfather are not required to pay child support, and so they don't contribute at all. It was a huge emotional burden, one that my husband's father and brothers and sisters in law clearly recognize and vocally appreciate. That recognition is important to me, but I really want it from my stepson's mother.
I still regularly give in to the desire to control the outcome with my kids. Sometimes I'm a good 5 minutes into a freak out/forcing of my will, when I wonder why it's even important. It's really all about looking good, saving face, whatever you want to call it.
I still occasionally read through the forums on RUN (radical unschoolers/unschooling network?), and I still regularly feel shamed when reading comments/replies written by Sandra Dodd. However, I'm starting to have small moments of grace, where I hear her voice as I'm sure it's intended: full of compassion. Mostly, I feel overwhelmed by the prospect of unschooling, of even taking the boys out of public school. Who would take care of them? How could I possibly afford to stay home with them? How would I manage to keep myself sane if I was always caring for them? How would I have time for me and my own interests? Would I just give up on my degree when I'm finally close to the end? How would I ever pay off my student loan debt? What about all my other debt? How would we ever manage to get by on just my husband's meager salary?
There are still too many questions, too much uncertainty, and far too many feelings of shame and control to take the boys out of public school.
No comments:
Post a Comment