sometimes in my tears I drown...

My depression and anxiety seem worse, lately, although neither have ever been at clinical levels. I'm not coping overly well, ignoring and avoiding things. But I'm coping, obviously, as I'm not experiencing clinical symptoms... or, my symptoms aren't up to clinical frequencies? Regardless, it's all a spectrum in my mind. The volume on my happy dial has been turned down low, and the volume on cranky-resentful, anxiety-panic-attack and sad-lie-in-bed-all-day are turned up high. I'm not interested in seeing my doctor about it, though, so I've got to focus on getting my needs met :) Elementary school is almost over for the year, so that will turn the anxiety-panic-attack knob down at least half-way, I'm sure. (Cue soundtrack: Alice Cooper's School's out for Summer!)

We attended a meeting of Home Learners South of the Fraser on Monday. It being June, not too many were there. The host explained to me that many families "take off early" for their summer vacations. There were the hosts 4 teenage daughters, who were doing their own things, my boys, and 10 year old twin boys. Later another two girls came, one a teen, one younger. Mostly the boys watched one of the host's daughters play a video game and the moms chatted. Kinda boring, but it's the last meeting until September, so I suppose it's not a typical meeting?

I have a concern that I'm focusing too much on the kids and their school as the "solution" to my anxiousness-purposelessness. There's also money, and hubby, and my school. We're going to move soon. There's other people's opinions about all of that - people are very free with their opinions. I've also been feeling a deep, deep sadness at the state of world affairs and the global lack of social justice. Much of my recent course work has focused on violence against women, and I feel a deep despair about that, as well as an inability to express my opinions and stance without people wanting to argue facts that have been studied enough by academics in a systematic, empirical way, that I see them as a given, and a waste of time to debate.

I've been looking at blogs and videos about hooping recently, especially The Happy Hoop, where I watched a video which used the song One Day by Matisyahu, which inspired the title for this post. That line especially unlocks my sadness, because I seem to be letting it get me down.

I think about Paolo Friere, and about Hegel's master-slave dialectic. Friere says that the act of oppression, the refusal to see those we oppress as human, causes us to lose our humanity. Hegel says the master needs the acknowledgment of the slave, however, Glen Coulthard, a Dene and a political scientist from UBC, says the colonial master doesn't care about or require such recognition. Friere says the oppressor cannot free himself, that the oppressed must use their humanity to do so. It seems like such an insurmountable task.